The Presidential Race(s)

As candidates for the presidency of the United States, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders are in the middle of a race.  But what if they were each partaking in motorsport races instead?  Which race would each candidate be best at?

1) Hillary Clinton: Formula One

hillary

The most established and popular race.  Everyone has heard of it, it is what most people consider the norm for motorsports.  Not much happens throughout a season but you can count on Formula One’s experience and consistency.  Favorite among a-list celebrities and sometimes impacted by things a crazy man named Bernie says.

2) Donald Trump:  Gumball 3000

donald.jpg

 

A race fit for billionaires— it isn’t much of a race at all.  Not like the serious races on the democratic side.  Very gaudy and all about appearances rather than performance, the Gumball 3000 is filled with supercars, scantily clad women, gaudy decorations, and superfluously showing the world how money makes you better than the rest of us— The Gumball 3000 is Donald Trump incarnate.

3)  Bernie Sanders:  24 hrs of Lemons

bernie

The everyman’s race: Le Mans for the 99%.  It isn’t filled with gorgeous cars or the height of automobile engineering, but it is filled with  grit, endurance, and integrity to make 24 hours of grueling racing in cars that cost less than used refrigerators.  Bernie is the 24 hours of Lemons because he cares about the race— not the money, not the looks, and not the attention, just the pure thrill of motorsport.

Cars that Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens characters would drive

Minor spoilers to The Force Awakens may be featured in this article

1    Han Solo and Chewbacca

Han and Chewy

Volvo 850 Super Touring Car

volvo-touring-car

Of course Han and Chewy would drive something that looks like a hunk of complete junk on the outside but go likes hell nonetheless.  This purpose built racecar looks like something a person as old as Yoda may drive, but actually has 290 horsepower from a 2.3 liter five cylinder engine.  It can make the Kessel run in less than 14 parsecs.  Er— 12 parsecs, actually.

2    Poe Dameron

Porsche Carrera GT

The best pilot in the New Republic would certainly drive a car that is insanely fast if you are a good driver.  Most pilots probably could not handle the raw power and lack of aides that come with the Carrera GT, but Poe would be able to master its incredible speed and agility.

 

3    Finn

A Lyft or Uber

Finn cannot fly a star fighter, so I assume he probably is not much of a driver either.  This hero of The Force Awakens is also a traitor with no brand loyalty, so he is likely to use Uber and Lyft interchangeably to move about the galaxy.

 

4    Captain Phasma

DeLorean DMC-12

They are both stainless steel on the outside and everyone thought they would be a much bigger deal.

5    Kylo Ren

Jaguar F-type R

First, we all know that villians drive Jags.  And while there are other cars that look more sinister and drive much faster, there are also villians in Star Wars that are more powerful and more evil than Kylo Ren.  They also tend to be more clinical.  The F-type R is bursting with emotion, just like the conflicted son of Han and Leia Solo.

6    Rey

Mazda MX-5 “Miata”

The Miata is supposedly the answer to every question about which car a person should get.  It is good at everything, and so is Rey.  When she is not speeding through the dunes from Star Destroyer to Star Destroyer on Jakku with her awesome speeder bike, she probably drives a Miata— The 2016 model with fierce and attractive looks to match her own.

7    Stormtrooper that watches Rey

Aston Martin DB-10

I mean, it was designed specifically for him.

8    BB-8

Google Self-Driving Car

BB-8 is just about the only thing in the galaxy cuter than Google’s Self-Driving Car, and its autonomous nature is perfect for a little droid that does not have the arms or legs necessary to drive itself.

8    TR-8R

Volkswagen Golf GTI W12-650

That riot control Stormtrooper looks like the rest of the Stormtroopers but is decidedly more bad-ass.  That is exactly the tale of the 12 cylinder GTI VW made in 2007.  Similar, but different.  Dislikes traitors.

Bonus: Maz Kanata

She probably should not drive.  900 plus years old, extremely nearsighted.  Easily the worst character in the movie.  The CGI was so bad with Maz it was like she was a bad combination of the prequels and a Pixar character.  She kind of looks like Voldemort got stuck in a tanning bed.